i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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