im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
