I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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