after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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