That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Randomize
