in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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