thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
