Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize