So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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