I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
