I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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