Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
