my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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