I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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