If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
