I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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