So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
