September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
