i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
