I wish I could teleport
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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