he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
