I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
