two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
