I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
