my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
