Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I smell like Dick and happiness
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