i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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