My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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