sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Let's get the cat blown out
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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