Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
