Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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