Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
