Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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