bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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