My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
