wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If I die, sorry about rent.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
