Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
