the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
