i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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