so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
