life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
