I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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