Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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