the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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