were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
