Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
