The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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