I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
