Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
