I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
