In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
