i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
