so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
