I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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