I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
