there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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