What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
operation harelip BJ is a go
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
