sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
