If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
