I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
