I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
