once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
