even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
