Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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