I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
