I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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